Recent exposure to the Tour de Yorkshire has led me to reflect on that saddest of modern trends – the MAMIL (Middle Aged Man In Lycra).
I blame the Government for encouraging this nonsense. They keep telling us how good it is for the environment to ride a bike and how good it is for our health to ride a bike, but that’s just bollocks when you think about it. What it’s actually good for is the Government. More bikes = less cars = less spending on roads. Simples.
And is it really good for our health? The NHS will tell us that it reduces obesity but does it? Most of these saddoes will use their bikes to go to the pub because they can’t take the car without getting nicked. So more pints = more calories = more fat bastards. And the more fate bastards there are, the more it costs the NHS to treat their related diseases. They can’t have it both ways, even if they are politicians.
And what about the heart attacks that these things generate when they are ridden by unfit, unhealthy twats who just want to have a mid life crisis by being just like Bradley Wiggins?
But the worst thing of all about MAMILs is the sight of them squeezed into stupid luminous lycra shorts, their arses sagging over their saddles as they peddle off down the road. The sight of that is enough to cause an accident or a heart attack on its own – and what’s the cost to the NHS of that going to be?…
Drat! My iPod’s busted and I need to buy a new one. Well, actually I say iPod but it was actually a Creative Zen MX so I use the term generically – like ‘hoover’ or ‘biro’…
The point is that I didn’t buy a genuine iPod because in my humble opinion it’s over priced because you’re paying for things you don’t want. I didn’t buy one this time round either. I wanted a thing that plays music. Video would be nice too, but not essential. I could live without it. The problem is that if that’s what you want, then you’re stuck with 16Gb of memory and I’ve got lots of music, so thats just not enough.
But if you want a 32Gb then it’s a whopping £200 plus because it comes with wi-fi, web browsing, games, and a camera. I don’t want wi-fi, I just want to play music. I can download stuff, browse the web and do my e-mails at home on my PC. I don’t need or want to do it with my music player. I don’t want it to take pictures because I’ve got a decent camera for that. Could I find what I wanted? Well, yes. Eventually. It cost me £48 and does what it says on the tin. In fact it does it better than my old Zen-MX.
The motto of this saga is that manufacturers are adding on features we don’t want so they can charge us for them. It’s called ‘adding value’ and it sucks…
Take the car industry. I don’t want rain sensing wipers because I can see when it’s raining. The stuff tends to accumulate on the windscreen right in front of my eyes – but they put it on anyway and charge you for it. Ditto SatNav, BlueTooth, adaptive cruise control, parking sensors, self parking FFS!, lights that turn themselves on (I can see if I can’t see). The list goes on and on.
My car is getting on a bit so that’s probably the next big purchase. Will I be able to avoid paying for all the things I don’t want or need? It took me a week to find a music player that just plays music. How long will it take be to find a car that just drives along a road…
I don’t know about you but when I walk in to a dark room and hit the switch, it’s because I want to see where I am and what’s around me. It was, after all, for this reason that electricity and light bulbs were invented in the first place.
But these days the EU has decreed that this is not allowed because it has banned filament bulbs as a sacrifice to the great green god of climate change and sentenced us back to the Victorian gloom of gas lighting complete with stumbling around in the dark while we wait for it to warm up.
And just to make it even better, it’s been revealed that these things cause migraines, epileptic fits, skin rashes and swelling – not to mention the broken bones you get from stumbling around in the dark and the eye strain you get by trying to read by them.
And then there’s the problem of disposing of the bloody things. They contain mercury which is a neuro-toxin.
All this and they cost 5 times as much as a conventional bulb to boot. Still, you can’t put a price on progress, can you?…
Now as far as I can see, these things are find sat in your front room listening to Led Zepellin, but why the hell are people wearing them in the street?
I don’t mean people wearing small in-ear thing, or even the old Walkman type of headphones, although God knows if you’re looking to isolate yourself from reality when you step in front of a car then they’d be bad enough. No, I mean those ridiculous things on that are bigger than Mickey Mouse’s ears (and are usually in ridiculous colours Dayglo orange or silver!).
Is someone really so thick as to wear a big and expensive item on their stupid heads in a city centre in broad daylight? Obviously they are. Don’t these pillocks realize that they won’t be able to hear anyone creep up behind them to nick their status symbol rich kid Disney ears?! Anyone who goes around with these stupid things on might as well have a sign on their backs saying “I’m a tosser! Mug me!”
Nothing screams “I’m a twat” more than going around a busy town with a pair of giant 300 quid, light-up headphones on your bonce…